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Jokes to share with fellow MilePointers

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by mcruiser, Mar 23, 2011.  |  Print Topic

  1. FlyingFree
    • Original Member

    FlyingFree Gold Member

    The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage....
    wrxmom, 2MM_Guy and miles and smiles like this.
  2. sobore
    • Original Member

    sobore Gold Member

  3. Funtodoimpossible
    • Original Member

    Funtodoimpossible Gold Member

    This is supposively the world's funniest joke according to a scientific study:

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
  4. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Till Death do us...

    Wife to Husband: "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."

    Husband: "All right, but it will ruin my day."
  5. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
    A: Childbirth.
  6. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Ways to relax

    Jill wanted to convince Susan, a continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax.

    She invited her to dinner and, while she was busy cooking, Susan agreed to watch her videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.

    Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed Jill the tape.

    "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."

    "But it's a 70-minute video," Jill replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing."

    "Yes, I did," Susan assured her. "I put it on fast- forward."
  7. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Couples Alternate Shot Tournament

    The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.

    He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway.

    When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be

    She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.

    Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the reen.

    Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.

    The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.

    Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok.

    She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!"
    MattK, dmc730, Gargoyle and 1 other person like this.
  8. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Many of my jokes come from SydesJokes.

    Sydes sent the following:


    If you enjoy the jokes and are on Facebook, consider liking the page. You can also follow on Twitter (@sydesjokes) if you'd like. BEWARE however -- he tweets a lot. His blog is perhaps a better choice. It is at http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/
    wrxmom and Gargoyle like this.
  9. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

  10. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:

    I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
    on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS.
    I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
    The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
    In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
    to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if
    she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

    She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
    Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
    to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
    a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
    time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
    just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
    was she so afraid of.

    She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f**king thing!"

    MattK, dmc730, Gargoyle and 1 other person like this.
  11. dmc730

    dmc730 Silver Member

    I told my wife that when I died I didn't want her to remarry.

    She asked why

    I said because I don't want some A**hole using my stuff

    She said what makes you think I'd marry another A**hole
    lrluis, MattK, KyRoamer and 5 others like this.
  12. dmc730

    dmc730 Silver Member

    I was going to post a joke about my broken pencil but...

    There's no point:D
    MattK, KyRoamer, SC Flier and 4 others like this.
  13. dmc730

    dmc730 Silver Member

    So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra
  14. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    When Love Fades...




    Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen "What would you like for dinner my Love?.... Chicken, beef or fish?"


    I said, "Thank you my sweet, I'll have chicken." She replied……………………………

    "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
    Gargoyle, MattK, goalie and 2 others like this.
  15. dmc730

    dmc730 Silver Member

    I was at home watching the game and said to my wife "hey hon can you grab me a beer before it starts"
    So she grabbed me a beer.

    A little later I said Hey Hon can you make me a sandwich before it starts?
    So she made a sandwich

    A bit later I asked can you grab me another beer before it starts?

    She said if you think you are going to sit around all day and watch TV and drink beer you have another thing coming.

    I said See its started
    2MM_Guy, Gargoyle and MattK like this.
  16. MattK
    • Original Member

    MattK Gold Member

    A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife complained to the village registrar who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
    2MM_Guy, Gargoyle, dmc730 and 2 others like this.
  17. dmc730

    dmc730 Silver Member

    People don't know this but I am an accomplished Harp Player. One time after a show I was carrying my harp home when I ran into my friend Sam. He said he was on his way to a disco that his friend owned and asked if I wanted to come along. I did and after drinking and dancing the night away I woke up to the awful realization that I didn't have my harp.
    Evidently I Left My Harp In Sam's friend's Disco:)

    And I'm here all week folks
    KyRoamer, 2MM_Guy and Gargoyle like this.
  18. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

    Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

    "Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
    miles and smiles likes this.
  19. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    "You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you."
  20. dmc730

    dmc730 Silver Member

    A string walks into a bar and says Give Me a G&T

    Bartender: we dont serve strings in here beat it

    String: Hey can I get I G&T
    Bartender: we dont serve strings in here beat it

    So the string steps outside, ties himslef in a knot, cuts off both ends and returns to the bar
    String: Hey can I get I G&T

    Bartender: Hey aren't ou that string that was just in here?

    String: No I'm A frayed knot
    2MM_Guy and GenevaFlyer like this.
  21. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    traveler, GenevaFlyer and dmc730 like this.
  22. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

  23. spesalvi

    spesalvi Gold Member

    Happy St. Patrick's Day!
    KyRoamer likes this.
  24. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Talk about a SENIOR moment!

    Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TS A pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

    My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

    I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey, I stammered." I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent.

    Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"
    wrxmom and miles and smiles like this.
  25. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"​
    A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
    GenevaFlyer, wrxmom and misman like this.

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