Jokes to share with fellow MilePointers

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  1. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    KEEP THE GRAY MATTER ACTIVE

    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?


    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?


    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?


    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?


    5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?


    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?


    8. What was the President's Name in 1975?


    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,what place would you be in now?


    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?


    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?



    Here are the Answers

    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

    Answer: Johnny of course


    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    Answer: Meat.


    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

    Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]


    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

    Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.


    5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

    Answer: Incorrectly


    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

    Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere


    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

    Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.


    8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

    Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]


    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

    Answer: You would be in 2nd.. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.


    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

    Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]


    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
    You can go back to sleep now .....
    GenevaFlyer and wrxmom like this.
  2. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member


    ·As the Chalk Leader for my flight home from Afghanistan, I witnessed the following:

    When we were on our way back from Afghanistan, we flew out of Baghram Air Field. We went through customs at BAF, full body scanners (no groping), had all of our bags searched, the whole nine yards. Our first stop was Shannon, Ireland to refuel. After that, we had to stop at Indianapolis, Indiana to drop off about 100 folks from the Indiana National Guard. That's where the stupid started.

    First, everyone was forced to get off the plane-even though the plane wasn't refueling again. All 330 people got off that plane, rather than let the 100 people from the ING get off. We were filed from the plane to a holding area. No vending machines, no means of escape. Only a male/female latrine.

    It's probably important to mention that we were ALL carrying weapons. Everyone was carrying an M4 Carbine (rifle) and some, like me, were also carrying an M9 pistol. Oh, and our gunners had M-240B machine guns. Of course, the weapons weren't loaded. And we had been cleared of all ammo well before we even got to customs at Baghram, then AGAIN at customs.

    The TSA personnel at the airport seriously considered making us unload all of the baggage from the SECURE cargo hold to have it re-inspected. Keep in mind, this cargo had been unpacked, inspected piece by piece by U.S. Customs officials, resealed and had bomb-sniffing dogs give it a one-hour run through. After two hours of sitting in this holding area, the TSA decided not to re-inspect our Cargo-just to inspect us again: Soldiers on the way home from war, who had already been inspected, re-inspected and kept in a SECURE holding area for 2 hours. Ok, whatever. So we lined up to go through security AGAIN.

    This is probably another good time to remind you all that all of us were carrying actual assault rifles, and some of us were also carrying pistols.

    So we're in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had his Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it gets better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a pair of nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the Soldier that they're going to confiscate his nail clippers.

    The conversation went something like this:

    TSA Guy: You can't take those on the plane.
    Soldier: What? I've had them since we left country.
    TSA Guy: You're not suppose to have them.
    Soldier: Why?
    TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.
    Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a weapon. And I'm allowed to take it on.
    TSA Guy: Yeah but you can't use it to take over the plane. You don't have bullets.
    Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?
    TSA Guy: [awkward silence]
    Me: Dude, just give him your F**K**G nail clippers so we can get the F**K out of here. I'll buy you a new set.
    Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

    To top it off, the TSA demanded we all be swabbed for "explosive residue" detection. Everyone failed, [go figure, we just came home from a war zone], because we tested positive for "Gun Powder Residue". Who the F**K is hiring these people?

    This might be a good time to remind everyone that approximately 233 people re-boarded that plane with assault rifles, pistols, and machine guns-but nothing that could have been used as a weapon.

    Can someone please tell me What the hell happened to OUR country while we were gone?

    Sgt. Mad Dog Tracy

    MattK, mikeef, traveler and 2 others like this.
  3. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
    A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to
    add 'e' at the end of a word.


    "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her."

    The trial begins on Monday…...
    MattK, spesalvi, traveler and 4 others like this.
  4. William JLP

    William JLP Gold Member

    Not exactly a joke with punchline, but this is from the Onion today:

    Unwilling to go down without a fight, Honkers the Canada Goose took 37 people with him after getting sucked into an Airbus A319 engine.

    goose.jpg
    MattK, KyRoamer and 2MM_Guy like this.
  5. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Adorable

    Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"

    Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

    Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
    spesalvi and 2MM_Guy like this.
  6. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Try and guess what this commercial is for …
    BEFORE it ends
    It's one of the best ads I've ever seen
    CLICK HERE
    MattK, mikeef, GenevaFlyer and 3 others like this.
  7. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    GenevaFlyer likes this.
  8. Gargoyle
    • Original Member

    Gargoyle Milepoint Guide

    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

    After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

    He really, really has to go, after all that Guinness.

    He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Now then squire, you cannae do that there here.

    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

    "Ah, right," says the bobby..."Just follow me".

    He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

    "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

    Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

    "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
    MattK, aptraveler, spesalvi and 7 others like this.
  9. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    KENTUCKY BARTENDER

    A man walked into a bar in Lexington and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching TV, one of Obama's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Obama is a horse's ass!" The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor. After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Obama country." "It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"

    Feel free to substitute the name of your least liked politician for Obama.
    spesalvi, wrxmom and perryplatypus like this.
  10. Gargoyle
    • Original Member

    Gargoyle Milepoint Guide

    Bob's phone-in help line for men.

    Hi Bob,
    I really need your advice on a serious problem:

    I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
    The usual signs, like if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up and she goes out with the girls a lot.

    I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

    Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind our motorboat.
    When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
    then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

    It was just then, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

    Is that something I can weld or will I need to replace the whole bracket?
    MattK, lrluis, desamo and 8 others like this.
  11. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "How long does it take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

    The agent replies, "Just a minute."

    "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
    MattK, desamo, aptraveler and 2 others like this.
  12. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Minister

    A minister in a little church announced from the pulpit, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief."

    That week for the first time in months, everyone gave.
    spesalvi and wrxmom like this.
  13. Gargoyle
    • Original Member

    Gargoyle Milepoint Guide

    A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar.
    The bartender looks up and says "Hi Mitt"
    MattK, traveler, wrxmom and 3 others like this.
  14. Jim
    • Original Member

    Jim Silver Member

    Copying Santorum's radio ads, now that he has dropped out?
    KyRoamer and Gargoyle like this.
  15. cvsara
    • Original Member

    cvsara Gold Member

    A man is sitting at the airport next to a flight attendant, and he can't recall what airline the uniform is for. As he is the shy and retiring type, he's reluctant to strike up a conversation directly, so he tries out a few airline slogans to see if he gets a reaction.
    First, "fly the friendly skies" - she glances at him but there is no response. So, not United Airlines. Then he tries "a great way to fly". Still nothing, so she's not a Singapore girl. Thinking maybe she works for Qantas, he tries "the spirit of Australia".
    The woman glares at him, says "f**k off!" and stalks away. Ahhh, he thinks, at least that settles it - it's JetBlue!
    MattK, wrxmom, desamo and 1 other person like this.
  16. misman
    • Original Member

    misman Gold Member

    I've heard the same with multiple airlines as the punch line; JetBlue must be the latest :D
  17. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Tools Explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project! ! which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short..
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope you found this informative.
    cvsara and miles and smiles like this.
  18. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Wife: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?

    Hubby: Looking at her from head to toe: "I like your sense of humor."
    MattK, desamo and misman like this.
  19. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Commercial airplane

    A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

    The blonde woman replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

    After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

    The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

    "I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."
    MattK, cvsara, desamo and 3 others like this.
  20. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Bomber and fighter

    A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

    The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

    The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

    The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

    Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

    "I just shut down two engines, kid."
  21. LizzyDragon84
    • Original Member

    LizzyDragon84 Gold Member

    Another variation of that joke ends with "I just got up and got coffee, kid."
    Gargoyle likes this.
  22. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Any orders

    Boss: Did you get any orders today?

    Salesman: Yes, I got two!

    Boss: Congratulations! What were they?

    Salesman: "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

    MattK and aptraveler like this.
  23. KyRoamer
    • Original Member

    KyRoamer Gold Member

    Try to get some rest

    A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

    "Yes?"

    "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

    "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

    "8:25!"

    The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

    "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
    William JLP, MattK, cvsara and 2 others like this.
  24. William JLP

    William JLP Gold Member

    Just got an e-mail on this:

    Airport Screenings For January, 2012

    January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
    Terrorists Discovered
    0
    Transvestites
    133
    Hernias
    1,485
    Hemorrhoid Cases
    3,172
    Enlarged Prostates
    8,249
    Breast Implants
    59,350
    Natural Blondes
    3
  25. mikeef
    • Original Member

    mikeef Silver Member

    Not really a joke, more trivia, but I couldn't think of a better place to put this.

    Given that this past week was the 100th anniversary of both the sinking of the Titanic and Fenway Park (one, a national tragedy that has impacted generations and the other a shipwreck), I did a little research on the Titanic and found out some interesting information:

    Apparently, the bottom of the ship not only housed third-class passengers (ya know, where Leonardo Dicaprio was) but also some interesting cargo, which was bound for Mexico City after the ship docked in the US. Among the cargo was that car where Leo and Kate went at it, the first ever set of Legos and a dozen boxes of pineapples.

    But the most interesting find was 4,237 jars of mayonnaise. Apparently, the Mexicans love their mayonnaise. So much so, that when the ship sank, they declared a national day of mourning (which, over time, became a celebration). For a wooden nickel, does anyone know the name of the holiday?

    Cinco de Mayo <--Highlight

    Mike
    Gargoyle and GenevaFlyer like this.

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